The Hillbilly Eulogy

A trifecta of lunatics

JD Vance is a gift that keeps on giving to the Democrats. It’s JD who has put the ‘vance’ in Harris’ advance. The boy who escaped Appalachia, went to Yale, married way out of his league, wrote a bestseller about it, and then fell in with silicon valley billionaires is finding that his luck may have run out. In a recent development, the Trump campaign put out yard signs with Vance’s name in small, near unreadable sized font, using the extra space to advertise the arrival of RFK Jr into the Trump tent. When you are unofficially replaced with a guy who once found a bear carcass by the roadside and decided that it would be a good idea to take it home to flay it, you know that it’s time for a hillbilly eulogy.

I’t’s hard to defend the boy who went to Yale, as he likes to describe himself within thirty seconds of meeting strangers. Granted that he got off to an unfair start with the whole “couch business,” which I cannot get into here because this is a family friendly newsletter. Unlike JD, we welcome all people, even “childless cat ladies.” Childless cat ladies. Now, there’s a turn of phrase no man who aspires to be Vice President should be saying in private, let alone on a podcast. Vance seems to be weirdly obsessed with women, whether they are having children or not. In a playbook for Trump’s second term, to which Vance wrote the foreword, the authors call for, among other things, taking away the right to vote from women without children, and monitoring menstrual periods of women for god knows what reasons. These vancels seem to have a dim view of a woman’s ability to think for herself and make decisions. JD Vance has been unapologetic. When given a chance to walk back his “childless cat ladies are ruining the country,” he apologized to cats. I’ll say that is mildly funny except that it’s going to cost Trump the election.

As for Trump, he’s just another regular old bloke, tryna make some money from selling Bibles and sneakers, and staying out of jail. He does not need the aggravation of having to explain his intern’s podcast rantings. Someone on Trump’s team had the bright idea to humanize JD by recording him ordering donuts. Unfortunately, they discovered many problems with it. First, humans don’t seem to like JD. Equally problematically, JD doesn’t seem to be comfortable around humans. He started off with a confusing joke about how the “zoo has come to town.” He clearly meant the circus because zoos aren’t known to move around. The JD-humans encounter went downhill from there, with all the makings of a video going viral for the wrong reasons. Note to Vance: Zoos stay in one place, and circuses move around. Well, except in the case of the Trump campaign. On odd dates, it’s a zoo, and on even ones, it’s a circus.

Whether he is insulting dead soldiers by calling them “suckers and losers,” (apparently for not knowing better than to die on the battlefield), or describing himself as “the greatest President for women in history,” Trump likes to be the cynosure of all eyes. All the attention on JD clearly drove him nuts. He recently made a trip to Arlington, the most famous graveyard of America’s soldiers. I guess the idea was to redeem himself for the “suckers and losers” comment. If there is one rule for visiting cemeteries, it’s “don’t stand on a grave and pose for a photo by gleefully smiling with two thumbs up, with a posse that looks like it’s cheering you.” Trump being Trump did exactly that. It would not be an exaggeration to say that Trump is unhinged at this point. In fact, it would be a gross exaggeration to say that there was a hinge involved at any point.

As for RFK Jr, he seems to have successfully pivoted from an anti-vax nutcase to a general purpose nutcase. The man who once admitted that he had a worm in his brain hopes to become the health czar in the second Trump term and unleash an epidemic of measles. He also plans to let us know who really killed JFK. Sources tell me that he is planning a big reveal on Inauguration Day. Enough with the suspense already! We all know it was Ted Cruz’s dad. Trump told us way back in 2016. RFK Jr is the son of Robert Kennedy, the younger brother of John F. Kennedy. It is entirely possible that Trump does not know this. I think that Trump believes that RFK Jr is JFK’s son. That might be the big reveal when he loses on November 5.

The Democrats have labeled them “weird,” and this has annoyed Trump to no end. Let’s see. One guy wears eyeliner and thinks that women who don’t have children should not be allowed to vote. Another has claimed that if Jesus came down to earth and counted the votes, he would win California. The third chap once heard that a whale had washed ashore and rushed to the scene to cut its head off with a chain saw and took it home. I am absolutely not kidding about the eyeliner thing. If Jesus came down to earth, Trump would call him Comrade Jesus and deport him. JD Vance is still trying to establish contact with humans on earth. RFK Jr has withdrawn from the race and still believes he will become the next President. This trifecta of lunatics is getting away lightly with being called “weird,” I think.

Yet, this gaggle of insane clowns is still in the race. And, it’s still anyone’s game at this point. I’m beginning to think that JD is onto something, that we should deny the vote to some people. Except, he got the gender wrong.

Have a great week!